why I disrespect people

Ring…
Ring…
me: “Helpdesk, this is Grant…”
user: “i’m working from home on my laptop and it said it was going into hibernation and then it turned off.”
me: erm you battery died

user: Well, I need a new battery then.
user: Order me a new battery.
me: Can’t you plug it in?
user: I don’t know my husband set all this up.
me: Is there no power outlet nearby?
user: I don’t know, can’t I just get another battery? How long would it take?
me: I could put a quote in for one… could take a week or two.
user: What do you mean ‘quote’?! A week? I’m going on vacation!
me: Is the power chord plugged into the back left corner of the laptop?
me: Can you follow that back to the black box?
user: hold on… ok… yes it is plugged in!.. and I see the black box, it says “Dell” on it…
me: Is the green light on?
user: What green light?
me: On the black box.
user: No, the green light is not on. What does that mean?
me: It means that it is not getting power.
me: Can you follow that back to the wall and verify that the other end is plugged into a power outlet?
user: Hold on, let me put the phone down.
noise
sounds of stuff moving around
user: Yes, it is plugged in! I need a new battery!
me: Is there a switch on that outlet that needs to be turned on for the outlet to be live?
user: What do you mean live, there is no switch.
me: Was it a power strip or a wall outlet.
user: uhmm… a power strip.
me: …
user: Oh wait, I plugged it into the wall now… ok the green light is on!!
user: What does that mean?
me: It means it is getting power.
user: So do you think I should get a battery?

etc etc…

That was as close to a word-for-word transcription as memory would allow. Good times! We debated the usefulness of a new battery for a bit, and I explained exactly what “being plugged in” would do for the battery, then walked her through logging back into the machine which was “locked” but that’s boring…